Hard to Avoid Dealing with Death

I have noticed that when someone dies, most people talk about the person "having passed" or they talk about having "lost" someone.  Saying that someone "died" is not that common.  In our society, confronting death in a straightforward manner is something that we all seem to avoid.  In my seminar, I find that I have to force myself to use the word "death" because it seems like such a harsh reality to raise with the group.

However, as somone who is now over 60, I find that having to deal with this reality of life is more and more difficult to avoid.  Friends are "losing" their parents; see even I do it.  One friend has recently lost her younger brother.  He was in his fifties.  Women friends are becoming widows, and at a pretty young age.

These events force us to confront our own mortality.  For me, they also provide an opportunity to learn about grief.  What I have noticed is that everyone seems to deal with it differently.  Some individuals seem to opt for the very British "stiff upper lip" approach, getting back to "normal" life as quickly as they can.  At a dinner with high school friends last night, one of the women who became a widow in her forties, said that she sought relief from her grief in work.  I have another friend who found that her interest in work simply disappeared.  One friend needed therapy once a week for a year in trying to deal with the death of her much older husband. Some people hang onto as many momentos as possible.  I did this when my parents died four months apart.  In clearing out their house, I found that I wanted to keep all sorts of weird things, like my Dad's aftershave.  It's been almost ten years now since they died, and it is only now that I am trying to weed out what I've kept.

Dying is part of the journey of life (I'm sure I'm not the first person to state it this way.) and it is wise to learn to confront the reality and then to decide how to best cope with its inevitability. 

Widowhood

The average age of widowhood in the US is 56.  In Canada it's a little higher.  It is still shocking to consider that women who have a partner may very well spend some or all of their retirement alone.  I have six friends under the age of 60 who have already become widows.  Only 1 has remarried.  When talking with couples about their retirement it is tough to raise this issue but there is such a strong possiblity that it is going to happen that I feel remiss if I don't raise it.

From my perspective both as a professional retirement planner and as part of a couple, I believe that it is important for couples to take this possible reality into consideration as they do their planning.  Part of this planning involves estate planning, i.e. making sure that wills are in order and that all relevant paper work is done and its location known.  One of my friends couldn't find her husband's will when he died and another had a husband who didn't have a will.  This can cause needless stress at a time when the grieving process is in full swing.

It is also important to make sure that there is a support network in place.  It is fine to be fully supported by one's husband but if he dies, do you have strong family ties and/or very good friends who will also be available and willing to help.  If ever there is a time when support can help, it is when you lose a loved one.  Being prepared to ask friends and family for help is a key element in surviving through this difficult time.

Decisions about where to locate in retirement should also take into account this phenomenon.  My husband and I lease a cottage on an island and I am fully aware that if something happened to him, it would be difficult if not impossible for me to continue to go there.  As opposed to just not thinking about it at all, I do consider how I could conceivably continue to lease the cottage (I could only do it if I had people who could be there with me as I know that I wouldn't enjoy being there alone at night) but I also face the possiblity that I would have to give it up.  That would end up being a terrible outcome as it would mean not only losing my spouse but also access to a very special place.

I know that it isn't always easy to plan one's life and it's true that we never really know what is going to happen and when.  However, devoting at least some time to facing such a reality can prepare us to deal with such a difficult transition more easily.

Losing Parents

This week two people died, one the parent of an old friend, and one the father-in-law of a close friend. Also, because I'm watching the Olympics, I know that Joannie Rochette's mother died. In the first two instances, the individuals lived into their 80s. In the latter case, it seemed terribly premature. Rochette's mother was only 55. In fact, quite a bit younger than I am. One of the issues I discuss in the seminars I deliver is the harsh fact that as we age, we are going to lose more and more people that we are close to. Not only that, we are going to be called upon more often to provide comfort and support to those around us who are experiencing loss.

When they conduct interviews with those who have lived into their 90s and even beyond 100, these individuals often talk about how they had to learn to deal with loss - of family, friends and friends of friends. They talk about the importance of continuing to have a life, to make new friends, to just keep on going. It sounds like quite a challenge to me. It must take a pretty positive life attitude and a great deal of determination to keep on trucking, despite the loss of loved ones and perhaps health challenges of one's own. Perhaps it just points up the importance of making sure that, as we age and move into retirement, we make the effort to have a life of our own, that, despite the losses, we will still having something to live for. I think this is particularly true for those of us who either have a spouse or who rely heavily on one other person to be there for us. In the first two instances I noted above, the remaining spouses, both living independently in their own homes, will now have to cope with being alone for the first time in more than 60 years. That leads me to the issue of members of our parent's generation who fight the notion of moving into retirement residences as they become more frail, but that's an issue for another post.