Like What He Likes?

Today I'm going with my husband to play duplicate bridge.  Now, I've played rubber bridge for a long time.  Several of our couple friends play and it is a pleasant way to spend an evening.  My husband has been trying to convince me to start playing duplicate bridge.  He's been playing for several years.  He has other partners but he would like me to be available when the others aren't.

I've been resisting.  The idea of playing with complete strangers, some of whom are determined to win more Masters points just doesn't sound like fun to me.  Also, it means having to learn and remember a whole lot of conventions.  Again, that doesn't appeal either.

Well, today I'm going with him.  I figure that as we age, it will be good if there are activities we enjoy together.  He notes that there are alot of older people who play at his club; it provides them with both mental stimulation, as well as social contact.  I'm a little nervous, but in the end I will probably enjoy myself and I know it will please him no end.  Now all I have to do is figure out what the quid pro quo is going to be!

Sharing a Project

I've been posting about our new pet and you might be wondering what this has to do with retirement.  Here's the way I see it.  Adding a pet to the household is like taking on any new big project that is going to affect everyone in the household.  In my case, this means that our household of 2 people need to be on the same page as much as possible in order for the project to have a successful outcome.  Like any major project, it requires us to cooperate and compromise, as the project moves forward.

It became quite clear early on that we don't necessarily agree on how to train our new puppy.  My husband has high expectations for quick results re house training, for example, and is determined that the new puppy will get it as quickly as possible.  I, on the other hand, seem to be more patient on the issue.  He, the puppy that is, is pretty good at using his papers inside and as long as he is doing that, I'm happy.  Yes, he needs to learn that going outside is desirable but what's the rush.

When couples retire, they generally end up spending more time together and this means many more moments that require good communication and successful negotiations.  Training the new puppy is a big test of these two requirements - so far we're doing pretty well.

Different Visions

I haven't touched on what happens in a marriage when retirement time arrives.  It has become more complicated than it used to be.  Up until about 1990, statistics show that husbands and wives retired together (at the same time) and that most often the husband retired from a career whereas the wife retired from a job.  His decision to retire seemed to trigger her decision.

How the world has changed since that time.  Staggered retirement is becoming the norm for today's couples.  Men and women have careers and women are more likely than ever before to have pensions to consider in terms of the timing of their retirement.  Baby boomer couples are heading into retirement quite differently than their parents did as a result.  Most often now, one person retires, goes through their own adjustment while their partner continues to work.  Then at some point later, the other person retires.

Some studies have shown that retiring together actually makes for less conflict at the time of retirement.  However, there hasn't been all that much research on the boomers on this issue yet so I think we'll have to wait and see what the impact of staggered retirement is.  I do know that the divorce rate around the time of retirement is quite low, although here in Canada it has been on the increase lately.

However you and your partner (if you have one) plan to approach this issue, keeping the lines of communication open at all times is the best approach.  I've got lots of ideas about this issue so come back and visit my blog - there'll be more posts on this issue over the next little while.

Time Together/Time Apart

Should couples spend as much time apart when they retire as they spend apart when they are working? Statistics suggest that the divorce rate around the time of retirement is quite low and studies generally show that most couples survive retirement with their marriages intact.

Hmmmmm. This sounds like good news for couples. However, I believe that retirement causes a certain destablization or disruption to the pattern of relating that couples have worked out over many years of working. And I'm getting a sense from observing the couples I know that this does in fact occur. Many of the couples I know are in longstanding marriages that appear to be pretty solid; however, as these couples retire, there are soft rumblings of discontent. Those little irritations that were managable over the many years of working, become just a little more annoying when you're faced with them every day all day.

You know what they say about retirement - you can do what you want, when you want. But when you've got two people implementing this philosophy at the same time, there just might end up being a little conflict! Say one person wants to live at the cottage and the other loves city life, or one person wants to travel the world and the other loves being at home, the bottom line is that these couples will spend alot of time negotiating, trying to resolve who gets to do what they want, when they want.

There is a great book by Maryanne Vandervelde called Retirement for Two; she's got great ideas about how couples can navigate the transition from working life to retired life. If you are the least bit worried about whether or not your marriage will survive retirement, check it out.