Hard to Avoid Dealing with Death

I have noticed that when someone dies, most people talk about the person "having passed" or they talk about having "lost" someone.  Saying that someone "died" is not that common.  In our society, confronting death in a straightforward manner is something that we all seem to avoid.  In my seminar, I find that I have to force myself to use the word "death" because it seems like such a harsh reality to raise with the group.

However, as somone who is now over 60, I find that having to deal with this reality of life is more and more difficult to avoid.  Friends are "losing" their parents; see even I do it.  One friend has recently lost her younger brother.  He was in his fifties.  Women friends are becoming widows, and at a pretty young age.

These events force us to confront our own mortality.  For me, they also provide an opportunity to learn about grief.  What I have noticed is that everyone seems to deal with it differently.  Some individuals seem to opt for the very British "stiff upper lip" approach, getting back to "normal" life as quickly as they can.  At a dinner with high school friends last night, one of the women who became a widow in her forties, said that she sought relief from her grief in work.  I have another friend who found that her interest in work simply disappeared.  One friend needed therapy once a week for a year in trying to deal with the death of her much older husband. Some people hang onto as many momentos as possible.  I did this when my parents died four months apart.  In clearing out their house, I found that I wanted to keep all sorts of weird things, like my Dad's aftershave.  It's been almost ten years now since they died, and it is only now that I am trying to weed out what I've kept.

Dying is part of the journey of life (I'm sure I'm not the first person to state it this way.) and it is wise to learn to confront the reality and then to decide how to best cope with its inevitability. 

Travelling with Max

Just thought I should provide a follow-up to my post about doing a business trip accompanied by my husband and my dog.  More about husbands later.  In this post, I want to report on our experience travelling with Max. 

I was quite surprised to discover that a very upscale vintage inn in Niagara-on-the-Lake actually had what they call dog-friendly rooms.  Ours was at the back of the hotel and instead of walking out our hotel room door into an internal corridor, we walked onto a covered porch area that bordered the back parking lot of the hotel.  We could head out for walks without having to go through the hotel.  It was very convenient and worked very well.  The only catch, when we checked out we discovered something they didn't tell us up front - we were charged an extra $35 per day to have the dog in our room!!  In the hotel information book, it referred to a "small" fee; we were quite taken aback to find that it added up to over a $100, what with taxes, for our 3 day stay.

At the next hotel we visited in Huntsville, we were also able to bring the dog into our room.  This time we were on the second floor of the hotel and had to go through the hotel to get outside.  However, there was no extra charge for having the dog in the room. 

Now I do have to confess that Max wasn't the perfect traveller.  He was a little thrown off by luxury inns, staying in the Guelph home of our niece with her very shy rescue dog, walking through the corridors of a hotel, and spending time in a retirement residence where we visited my husband's aunt and uncle.  This led to a few "accidents".  However, all in all he really did behave himself and we discovered that we could in fact travel successfully with him.  He did enjoy himself as well; he had his first off-leash run on the commons in Niagara-on-the-Lake and generally displayed a sense of curiosity and adventure during most of the trip.

We are not in a rush to do it again but we do feel confident that Max is an adaptable little dog and will have lots of travel adventures in his future.

Investing in Relationships

I have to do 2 retirement seminars out of town and we have decided that my husband, along with Max, our miniature daschund, will come with me on this road trip.  Part way through the trip we will spend the weekend with his niece and her husband.  Since my husband and I have no children, it is important for us to cultivate and maintain a close relationship with those in the next generation within our family.  Of our 4 nieces, one lives close by, one lives about a 6 hour drive away and the other two live thousands of miles away.

When the niece who lives a 6 hour drive away was in university in Montreal, we encouraged her to visit us on long weekends and she did.  We have gotten to know her quite well as a result.  Both she and her husband and my husband and I make an effort to keep in touch.  Her husband sends us a monthly newsy report on what they are up to, we talk on the phone regularly, and also make an effort to have face to face visits as often as we can.

Good family relationships don't just happen; it takes a commitment and personal effort to nurture and strengthen these relationships.  One of the joys of retirement is that individuals have more time to devote to the important people in their lives.  We are really looking forward to visiting with our niece and her husband while on my seminar trip and I know that it is an investment of our time that will strengthen our ties within them.

Widowhood

The average age of widowhood in the US is 56.  In Canada it's a little higher.  It is still shocking to consider that women who have a partner may very well spend some or all of their retirement alone.  I have six friends under the age of 60 who have already become widows.  Only 1 has remarried.  When talking with couples about their retirement it is tough to raise this issue but there is such a strong possiblity that it is going to happen that I feel remiss if I don't raise it.

From my perspective both as a professional retirement planner and as part of a couple, I believe that it is important for couples to take this possible reality into consideration as they do their planning.  Part of this planning involves estate planning, i.e. making sure that wills are in order and that all relevant paper work is done and its location known.  One of my friends couldn't find her husband's will when he died and another had a husband who didn't have a will.  This can cause needless stress at a time when the grieving process is in full swing.

It is also important to make sure that there is a support network in place.  It is fine to be fully supported by one's husband but if he dies, do you have strong family ties and/or very good friends who will also be available and willing to help.  If ever there is a time when support can help, it is when you lose a loved one.  Being prepared to ask friends and family for help is a key element in surviving through this difficult time.

Decisions about where to locate in retirement should also take into account this phenomenon.  My husband and I lease a cottage on an island and I am fully aware that if something happened to him, it would be difficult if not impossible for me to continue to go there.  As opposed to just not thinking about it at all, I do consider how I could conceivably continue to lease the cottage (I could only do it if I had people who could be there with me as I know that I wouldn't enjoy being there alone at night) but I also face the possiblity that I would have to give it up.  That would end up being a terrible outcome as it would mean not only losing my spouse but also access to a very special place.

I know that it isn't always easy to plan one's life and it's true that we never really know what is going to happen and when.  However, devoting at least some time to facing such a reality can prepare us to deal with such a difficult transition more easily.

Summer Musings

We spend a good part of our summer at the cottage, with short trips home as required or desired.  This partially explains why there haven't been any new posts for some time.  I suspect that our sojourn at the cottage is somewhat like the experience retirees have who decide to spend time away in the winter; we have several friends who are doing that.  We thoroughly enjoy the relaxed atmosphere, the time for visits with family and friends, the access to all that a lake has to offer during an Ontario summer.

However, for my husband perhaps more than me, being at the cottage has its downsides.  It keeps him from many of the activities he enjoys when we are at home, such as playing squash twice a week with a group of men that he has been playing with for many years, enjoying a golf game with his city friends, being able to go to a movie or watch a sports event on TV (we don't have electricity at the cottage so no TV).  Luckily for us we have a circle of friends on the lake and in the vicinity of the cottage but we still miss our close friends in the city over the summer months.

If you are planning to spend some of the time in retirement away from your home base, be aware that while it will bring many benefits, there will also be downsides.  If you have a partner, it is a good idea to discuss how being away for a few or many months at a time is going to affect your activities and your relationships.  It is also worth exploring how you can have your cake and eat it too, i.e. be away but maintain good contact with those you care about back at home.

Can you overcome aging?

My brother-in-law and his wife visited us at our cottage recently and she and I had a very good "dock" discussion.  She is someone who has always been interested in the spiritual side of life and she told me that she is exploring, through her regular meditation, the aging process, and how she can take charge of her own aging.  She believes that the power of the mind may be such that she can actually fend off some of the symptoms of aging this way.

There is certainly quite a bit of research that indicates that, if we use our mind well we can control, to some extent, our state of health, both mental and physical.  While not really disagreeing with her, I noted that there does come a time when it is healthy to accept a newly developed limitation flowing from the aging process and that fighting against such limitations, just means we are in denial about the aging process.  I am fascinated with where one should draw the line between fighting the aging process and yielding to it.  If one wants to age gracefully I think it's important to accept this fact and to adapt accordingly.  A good example involves knowing when to give up driving.  This is a tough decision to make and those individuals who make the decision themselves demonstrate what I'm talking about.

How hard is it to retire?

When I first began doing my presentation on how to prepare psychologically for retirement, I wanted it to be based on facts.  So....I checked the research carefully and guess what I found?  Most people like retirement, most people aren't traumatized by it, and retirees on average report higher levels of life satisfaction than any other age group in society! 

I have many friends who are retired, are about to retire, or who will in the next few years and I have to say that their experience and attitudes reflect these research results.  This is true even for those who seemed to be reluctant to retire.  It is important, however, to be aware that the people who do experience retirement in a very positive way are most likely to be those who did spend some time preparing for it.  These individuals have hobbies, interests, a vision, in other words, they had a good idea what they wanted to do before they ever retired.   Pick up any book on how to prepare for retirement and most will suggest that you get a life before you leave work behind.  It can make the transition so much easier.  If you do that, you may find, like many of the retirees I know, the time flies by, there never seems to be enough of it and you really can't figure out how you every had time for work at all!